Birthday Article to my Dad
story background: i dont think my relationship with my parent is good, and i dont remember whats the last time we had good relationship, my parents have been super worrying about my life since 15…
goal: at the end of this article i want to find out what kind of attitude should i face with my parent
why you help me so much in my life but i still cant feel the love from you?
i have so many confusion about this topic , i decided to ask questions to find out the “ relatively truth”
question1: am i the person who dont cherish your effort?
answer1: i dont know… i mean like how much “appreciation” do i need to give to form a basic “ cherish unit”? i dont think the act “cherish” is quantifiable. i also think people use this word “ i appreciate it” too often.. but anyways, to some degree, i didnt cherish your effort enough, considering you spend so many money on me and time on me, but at this point, i have only spent a little time and money on you. but our life is still continuing right? i think there is a high chance i would pay it back?
question2: do i need to pay love/money/time back?
answer2:finally i encounter a hard question for me, the short answer is yes i need. but since mom and your are pretty healthy, i mean most of the teenagers i have been talking to, has parents who has problem with money, or disabilities. but we never had money problem before( this already deserve appreciation from me?), you guys are also doing exercises every week as well.(please do it more often, dont be lazy )BUT, some of the most harmful sickness might be psychological since its not visible enough for our eyes to detect? i know you have eye problem, but i dont know how to help you, i had been writing letters to you, saying
“ dad i will quickly earn enough money so you will no longer need to work 8 hours everyday facing to computer”
but the reality is, i am far away from making money because of my talent, my background and my personality. to be more specific, i insist on expressing my useful thoughts with my own method, until a clever guy who discover me.
also you want me to quickly become financially independent right? do you agree that i need to spend most of my time on developing my skills? i did so many times send you the thoughts/articles i wrote right? i did so many times during video call trying to make a more meaningful conversation right? could you feel my effort?
question3: how much my bad relationship with my mom influence our relationship?
answer3: i think the major reason why our relationship is not good and its supposed be better. its because of my relationship with mom.
i have been guessing mom has serious psychological sickness since i was 15 year old, but you had always been telling me,” no eric, your mom is fine.” but only until this 1.5 years you told me that mom suffered from depression, and i am the trouble maker that makes mom worry so much.
to be a logical person here, i think everyone has to hold responsibility for my mom’s sickness. of course, my relatively abnormal thoughts and behaviors, leaving high school and university without degree, quit 4 jobs within 1.5 months. talking to stranger, learning animation, learning russian, but still earn zero money might have makes mom worry.
BUT, my point is, shouldnt we hold the major responsibility for our own health? on top of that,
why did you lie about my mom was fine all the time? i believed you so many times
i threw my doubts to you so many times about mom is unable to control her emotions like usual adults, why have you been blaming me?
you must know that her teaching work make her feel stressful so much, why dont you persuade her to quit more often? and why did you make me feel that you ignore the fact that her work is significantly making her feel less happy, you further make me take the blame?
am i really being ignorant and immature that i “intentionally “ ruin me and mom’s relationship?
i want to get the answers from you, really, all of the questions
question4:why i feel so stressful from our relationship?
answer4:is because i feel like i rarely, even forget the last time i satisfy your wishes. as far as i know, you want me to be financially independent, you want me to go back to university. unfortunately these are the only things that i cannot satisfy you.
(im laughing right now), its so funny that the person who supposed to has the closest relationship with me want me to satisfy themselves by asking the things that i really dont want to do. i mean, i understand society might force people to do something that they dont like, but i thought friends or family would be less demanding?
the second reason why i have been feeling so stressful from you is because, we nearly always have different opinion. now as an observer who is not familiar with our family situation might be thinking
“having different opinion could be a very good thing”
“i do agree, i actually agree more than you :))”
BUT!!
HOW ABOUT EVERY DAY, EACH MORNING EACH AFTERNOON, NIGHT HAVING NEW DIFFERENT OPINIONS.
i could tell you man, i am a pretty optimistic, confident, relatively good at conversation in most occasions, but i still feel so unpleasant from constant disagreement…
(enlightenment) “haha probably this is the reason why i am interested in debating, i realized that this is how environment has shaped me:))”
in conclusion, without a good communication skills from both of us, having all these disagreements everyday ruin our relationship ALOT.
my problem that cause our relationship bad
it has to do with my habit, i am used to challenge my acts of doing things, to be more specific, i think too much before i behave, which is super funny, because when i was young, i used to be the person who dont use my brain at all, remember eric? and why this is bad for our relationship is because i often feel like you like to have meaningless conversation, i mean not only just you, most of the people i have encountered with, likes to have meaningless conversations as well.
i am also experiencing the phrase of “ seeking for self-improvement”, i often feel like, i learned nothing from our interaction, therefore pointless.
people argue, mom argue as well very often
“ eric! with family you dont have to seek for self-improvement”
my response,” then what is the purpose of interacting with you, when i cannot feel entertained and enlightened from our interaction?”
i also have a question for you dad,
“ do you feel happy from interacting with me?”
“ do you feel happy from sending me countless of “worry messages”?”
the luckiness i get from you
i was lucky enough survive through toothache and stomachache at 3am by you several time, i still remember i would call you “ papa” several times like super loud, until you open the door.
i was lucky enough survive through several fever thanks for your sacrifice of several sleep, you still gotta leave home at work at 6:40, at this point i realize youre pretty strong.
i have been lucky enough that whenever i want to buy books, you would always give me, this is one of the reason why i am so crave for self-improvement right now
i have been lucky enough that you had been educating me, more like a warning me to study harder, otherwise i would be replaced easily. i feel amazed that in 2020, i no longer need your warning, asking me “ dont forget to improve” since this is my hobby and habit now.
i have been lucky enough that you have been willing to spend quite a lot effort on maintaining the order of family. sitting down with me and mom, having conversation.
i have been lucky enough that everytime i ask you to have serious conversations with me, you never refused me and always try to focus, i should have talk less though, our attention duration is getting lesser nowadays.
i have been lucky enough that no matter how many questions i have, you always try to help me , satisfy my curiosity, even though mom has been annoyed by me so many times. but you are still treating me friendly
my interpretation , the angle you might be lacking of
if i am correct, you had a super super super hard-working parents, super super super kind parents, super innocent, i mean they never thought of hurting others. as my observation, you are as well:)) to be real honest, me ,brother, grandma, grandpa, and you are pretty much the same as them.
BUT you have a wife, which is coming from different background.
i am so sure, you have been avoiding to face with the fact that your wife has a really different personality than our family, i mean mom is of course part of our family, but mom was being brought up by different parent, therefore her personality might be so different, and it is indeed different!
being different is cool sometimes, but the personality that mom brings to me has been super harmful for my perception of the universe, to some degree, i cant feel love because of her, i keep asking what is the definition of love because of her, i wonder why so many kids love their parent, but not me…
i had tried a few times, telling you the idea that your kindness has been influenced by mom A LOT. but you never consider my words seriously.
i have been sharing with you the problem that mom brings to us, but you think you have always been taking it seriously,
but obviously not enough otherwise our relationship wont be as bad as now
maybe you are incapable of dealing with this situation, because you always have the excuse of
“ eric! i am already tired from work, could you just let me rest, and just have a conversation with your mom it will be fine!”
but my position has always been lower than yours, i have been trying but failed. the things that i have learned is that if the person who is educating or having conversation with me is you. it will be WAY MORE EFFECTIVE TO help mom.
you have always been thinking you tried enough…
i dont want to be the person like you
i dont want to give up…
thats maybe one of the reason why i still insist on writing articles to you and mom every father’s day, birthday, new year, mom’s day
the correlation between my parents and my personality
@ nerdy: i could be pretty nerdy, and i am enjoying it. i really like to understand more if i decided to understand one. but without my parent’s help, i might not maintain my hobby of craving for knowledge. after all, dad , as my observation you read more books more than average people as your age, also i have visited quite a few houses right now, its very rare for me to find a house like us, which has so many books!!
@ good at debate: we probably argue/debate everyday from 16 year old until 20. usually people would give a negative attitude towards arguing. but i am very thankful that i could have so many chances to train my conversational skills, having a better argument and persuasion.
@ independence: except financially independence( im sorry), but what i have noticed is that most of my surrounding, due to culture, teenagers listen to parent’s word a lot, and kid’s thoughts has significant correlation with their parent. but since i live in different flat at 16 year old, i developed my own traits from internet and my grandma:))
eventually i developed a very opposite traits from my parent… that’s one of the reason why i am in russia living as a nomad.
afterall, i still want to thank you, thank you for making right decision to not giving up on me,i understand that when i was 15 until18 , i might several times being disrespectful to you, i didnt know how to have a good conversation with people, i was being selffish most of the time, thank you for not giving up on me dad:))
my wish? i wish you give more time for you to rest your body, i wish you to read more books, and take more serious on the articles/videos i sent you, i wish you to never give up on helping yourself to grow and the person who is close to you as well, its gonna be helpful for our family:)) most importantly, i wish you dont belittle my potential.
by eric202005
